Belgrade, Serbia

Guca 2010 – The Survival Guide

Published: August 4, 2010

50th Guca trumpet/brass music festival starts on 13th and ends on 22nd of August 2010. This short guide will teach you all the things you need to know in order to survive the festival and stay mentally and physically fit afterwards, should you decide to attend.

Take ear plugs with you.
One day of extreme trumpeteering should be enough to make you go deaf, and possibly a bit mental. Should you however decide to be brave and go without the little ear-savers, you will have something to tell your grandchildren about, but you will have to lip-read in order to understand their reaction. (advice by @nikoladenic)

Find the person not wearing plugs in this picture // photo by nyqus

Take lots of paper bills in tens or twenties.
Good way to stop the annoying trumpeter (and possibly the only way) is to stuff paper dinar bills in his trumpet. It’s clearly better to do this with smaller dinar bills in order to have enough money to return home later and possibly pay for the medical treatment. Some dudes do it with euros, but the experienced Guca-goers know that the euro paper bills do not contain enough cellulose to stop the trumpet sound.

Make sure your legs are strong.
Seven days of hard gym work-out before Guca is a must if you intend to still be able to walk after the festival is over. It is not only walking through the drunken mob that will wear you out – it is dancing – on the streets, on the tables, under the tables and all that while juggling that glass of beer in one hand and glass of rakija in other.

It’s never too late to practice // photo by electrostatico

Prepare you stomach.
Serbian food is generally not hot, but very very strong. If you are one of those people who actually watch what they eat and drink, I suggest you cut that macrobiotic stuff several days before Guca. Going from diet cereal and light yogurt to sauerkraut and roast pig can be quite a shock for you organism. Also, for the vegetarians among you, watch out – that sauerkraut did touch the meat.

Practice your arms.
You will do some heavy lifting – beer for five of your friends, sauerkraut plates, lifting that girl from the mud, lifting a trumpeter to the tree branch, your drunken friend from a ditch, pulling yourself out of a ditch etc.

Practice your voice cords.
You will do a lot of shouting – calling rounds, drinking suspicious-looking rakija, shouting at trumpeters to “stop, please, for the love of god, stop”, shouting drunkenly at a security guy to “leave you the fuck alone, you like sleeping in the dirt”, singing horribly because nobody can hear you anyway over the brass band at the table next to yours, etc.

Experienced sleeper doesn’t care about circumstances // photo by richirik

Get used to sleeping under changed circumstances.
For best results, I suggest you start practicing sleeping in a tent outside your building, during the day, near a highway, with your CD player pumping “Vuvuzela hits 2010 – best of”. This way you will get used to sleeping conditions in Guca and get most out of your festival beauty sleep because just like during the World cup, that vuvuzela sound never stops during Guca. Also, you will probably be dreaming about running from a herd of elephants – there is no cure for this, get used to it.

Learn some Serbian.
Here are some useful phrases that should come in handy during the festival.
“Nemoj da mi sviras u uvo” Please don’t blow the trumpet directly into my ear.
“Koliko prstiju vidis?” How many fingers am I holding up?
“Taj kiseli kupus je bio na zemlji duze od deset sekundi, molim vas dajte mi drugi” That sauerkraut was on the ground for longer than ten seconds, can I please have a new one?
“Nisam znao da nije dozvoljeno dirati plesacice” I wasn’t aware that it’s forbidden to grope the dancers.
“Mogu li da pozajmim tvoje cepice za usi?” May I borrow your earplugs?
“Pusti me, ja volim da spavam u shtroci!” Leave me alone, I like sleeping in the dirt!

Don’t grope the dancers // photo by richirik

Do not go.
This method increases your chances of survival by hundred percent. (advice by @lazaralazara)

Always have some paper towels handy.
Blood, sweat and tears are just some of Guca’s trademarks besides dirt (and trumpet). You will have to burn most of your clothes after the festival anyway, but the civilized society expects from you to at least look as decent as possible for a short period of time. Hundreds of thousands of other sweaty visitors, wine and beer stains will make this task very difficult. Also, without paper towels, you will quite possibly be forced to eat sauerkraut with dirty hands.

That’s about it. Any more tips, share them in the comments. Also, by sharing this article with your Guca-going friends you are quite possibly saving somebody’s life and/or sanity.

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