Another old joke/parody, from 2006 I believe. A good one to show why there are no terrorist attacks in Belgrade, but also serves well as a counter-guide to Belgrade for unsuspecting tourists, i.e. “what not to do in Belgrade”. Serbian original at Deda’s blog.
Here’s the spoof story, edited and translated in a rush by yours truly:
Terrorists/Tourists in Belgrade
A couple of suicide bombers/terrorists from some middle east country come to Belgrade with intention to carry out a plan entitled “Allah’s punishment for Serbian infidels”. This is their story:
Sunday, 20:47 They arrive in Belgrade. They leave the airport in Surcin eight hours after arrival, because their luggage was lost. Their airline doesn’t take responsibility for losing the luggage, and one airport worker suggests that they should com tomorrow, and with a bit of luck, perhaps, who knows… They find a cab. Cabbie sees that they are foreigners based on their looks and drives them around the town for hour and a half. Since they have no objections to this, not even after the meter reaches 16.000 dinars, cabbie decides to pick up a mate at Petlovo brdo. There they rob and beat the terrorists and throw them out.
Monday, 10:30 After they regain consciousness, the terrorists manage to come to the hotel, where they order a rent-a-car. After that they decide to return to the airport to get the luggage but remain blocked in Kneza Milosa, because Serbian professors and doctors hold a protest march. Later they are blocked by the Belgrade taxi drivers, who are also on strike.
Monday, 14:30 Somehow they reach New Belgrade, where they exchange the money, which they stashed in their shoes, in a private exchange office. Instead of the dollars, they are now in possession of a large quantity of forged thousand dinar bills.
Monday, 15:45 They reach the airport, having decided to kidnap a plane and crash it into the Federal parliament building. JAT Pilots and stewardesses are also on strike, demanding four times higher salaries. The flight controllers have the same problem and they join the strike. The only available plane on the runway is “Montenegro airlines” plane headed to Niksic, which is already 8 hours late on departure. Airline workers, together with passengers, sit on the floor and sing “Montevision 2006″ songs, occasionally shouting pro-independence referendum paroles.
Montenegro opposition supporters arrive and start beating everyone in sight, but mostly the two terrorists.
Monday, 19:05 Finally the situation calmes down and the two terrorists, all smeared in blood, manage to find “Pink air” company and buy a plane ticket so that they could board the plane, kidnap it and crash it into the Parliament. “Pink air” official who sold them the tickets failed to say that the flight is in fact cancelled long time ago.
Monday, 22:07 The terrorists debate whether to continue with their plan or not. They are no longer sure if the destruction of the Federal Parliament would be considered a terrorist act or an act of mercy.
Monday, 23:30 Hungry, they decide to have a snack in the airport cafeteria and order pljeskavice on kajmak.
Tuesday, 08:35 Kajmak was quite beyond the expiry date, so they end up at the main national hospital after having spent entire night waiting in the emergency center hallway. Things wouldn’t take more than just a couple of days if there wasn’t a suspicion that pljeskavica had salmonellae.
Sunday, 17:20 After 12 days they leave the hospital and find themselves near the Partizan stadium. “Partizan” has just lost a home match against “Red Star” by 0:4. A mad group of Partizan supporters, thinking that they must be Red Star supporters based on their appearance, start throwing rocks and bricks at them. After being caught, hooligan leader abuses them both sexually, before handing them over to his friends.
Sunday, 19:45 They finally manage to get rid of the hooligans and save themselves by running into a passing tram. Near the main train station, because of the faulty electrical installations, a fire breaks out in the tram and the terrorists (thinking that someone must have attacked the city before them) run out of the tram and wander around Karadjordjeva street, dazed from all the smoke. They decide to have an alcoholic drink for the first time in their lives (it’s a sin but they heard that it cures everything, at least temporarily). At a “splav” near the Belgrade port they order a drink. The waiter disappears in the crowd and there’s no sign of him for an hour. A quarrel at a nearby table soon turns into a fight. Knives, guns and machineguns are out, bullets fly all over the place and just when someone throws a hand grenade, the terrorists save themselves by jumping into the brown, muddy Sava.
Sunday, 23:00 After struggling with the river for several hours they manage to reach the Dorcol “marina”. Wet, dirty and covered in mud, in a nearby “kafana” they order a bottle of rakija each determined to drink themselves silly and they promise the waiter a large tip if he gives them the drink in 45 seconds. The waiter breaks the world record and brings the drinks in 24 seconds and even manages to charge them before the 45 seconds pass.
Sunday, 24:00 After drinking an artificial “loza” full of methanol, they end up in a hospital for poisoning again, this time in the city hospital. The testing shows that they are both HIV positive.
Tuesday, 05.00 They run away from the hospital and meet the graduates from a nearby high school who wander around after celebrating the graduation and get a bottle of Jack Daniels from them, which they use successfully to wash out the methanol. They go they separate ways at 06:00 near the “Last chance” cafe at Tasmajdan where they remain to sleep on a park bench.
Tuesday, 08:00 They are awaken by the sound of the nearby St Marko Church bells. They jump from the bench alarmed by such a loud noise. After they discover what’s going on and where the sound is coming from, intrigued, they enter the church to see what’s going on and walk into a morning liturgy.
Tuesday, 10:00 They walk into the park and spend the day with honey makers who hold a honey fair outside that day. They teach the terrorist to work with the bees and the hives and how to make a lot of money by adding sugar into the honey.
Tuesday, 23:42 The two terrorists board a cargo boat and escape from Serbia to Romania. Exhausted by the methanol poisoning and with a bunch of new infections, they swear to Allah that they will never try anything similar again, arrive home and open a beekeeping business.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I actually had a really good experience the one time JAT lost my luggage. When it arrived on the next flight, they drove it to my house in Kragujevac on Christmas day.
Ok, even its stated that this is a joke,
if i had never been in Serbia or Belgrade i would think that this place was Borat’s home country.
Foreigners can’t understand this.
i want to be a terrorist