Ah, the weather forecast. Feels like nobody’s watching it anymore. Everybody is interested in the daily news, the economy, the sports… but when the weather forecaat is on, they all switch the channel hoping they will see more politics and economy and sports. Poor weather forecast. But—Bosnian TV station OBN found the way to make a part of the viewers stay tuned in also for the weather. This is where Lanina vremenska prognoza (Lana’s weather forecast) comes in:

Yep, you got it. They’ll let a girl dressed like a porn star let us know about the weather. Pure genius!

It doesn’t matter if you don’t understand Bosnian. Nobody really listens to what she’s saying anyway.

In case you’re wondering, the girl’s name is Lana Dramicanin – she’s an obscure model. Well, maybe not so obscure anymore.

Angelina Jolie coming to Belgrade?

Which actually brings us to an interesting topic – anti-Serb propaganda in movies.

List of “anti-Serb” movies

I have to start with the Expendables because I just saw it couple of days ago, so it’s the freshest one. Even though anti-Serb sentiment is stated in a single sentence by Mickey Rourke, “when we were in Bosnia, fighting those bad Serbs”, it was enough to provoke enormous booing from the audience and even a half-filled plastic coke glass being thrown at the movie screen (or maybe it was fanta).

Most famous example is probably The Peacemaker with Clooney and Kidman. Bosnian Serb is trying to blow up the UN building in New York. With a nuclear bomb. Alas, he fails at the last second. I remember also the audience was cheering for the bad guy, and let out a sigh of disappointment when the bomb failed to explode. The Serbian guy in the movie was played by a Croatian Romanian actor (thanks for the correction, Bogdan).

Savior with Dennis Quade is the least hated of all “anti-Serb” movies in Serbia, because it shows other sides comitting war crimes, not just the Serbian. The Croatian forces were played by Serbian actors.

Welcome to Sarajevo with Woody Harrelson also comes to mind, where one of the main focuses of the film is the Serbian bombing of Sarajevo. The movie was based on the book Natasha’s story, only in the movie the character of Bosnian Serb orphan girl Natasha is changed to Bosnian Muslim orphan girl Emira. The Bosnian guy in the movie was played by a Croatian actor.

Behind Enemy Lines with Owen Wilson is maybe the least known, probably because it’s a very bad movie – even the guy who was the inspiration for the main role complained about how the movie turned out. It was based on a true story of an American pilot who needs to escape from the Serb territory and the Serbian soldiers after his plane is shot down. The Ratko Mladic character in the movie was played by a Polish actor, while a Serbian sniper was played by a Russian.

Did I forget some movie of the sorts? Let me know in the comments and I will add it to the list.

The Effect

I don’t think the producers think so much about who’s the bad guy and who’s the good guy in the movie. Also, I don’t believe their primary motive is to turn the world’s attention to the suffering of victims. Their main concern is the money the movie’s gonna make. In other words – if only a part of the money all these movies made was invested in Bosnia, that state would perhaps be less messed up than it is today.

But you have to have a bad guy in the movie. It’s nothing personal.

As someone who spends a lot of time in Belgrade’s “famous” nightlife I feel most online guides are not useful in making a decision on where to spend your night, especially if you have a limited amount of time in this city. What is available also changes quite a bit from season to season and most online guides are seriously outdated.

Disclaimer: Some of these descriptions are littered with prejudice. This is my personal opinion and experience on these places, your mileage may vary.

Blaywatch (Official Facebook):

The Crowd: crew cut mafia type money-laundering muscle men and ultra hot barbie-like plastic women, no brain on either. Lots of teenagers.
The Why: This is where you bring young, easily impressionable Serbian village girls, preferably to the VIP section and shower them with cocktails. If you do it right, this gets you laid.
The Music: Commercial house, hip-hop, RnB and shitty Serbian folk music
The Dancing: People mostly stand around looking at each other, on a crowded night there is no space for dancing
The Cost: Ultra Expensive
Arrive before: no clue, been once and some stupid bitch started yelling at me for leaning on HER table while tying my shoelace. Left and never went back, fuck those people.

H2O:

Similar to Blaywatch but there is more ear-busting folk music, often live.

Sound (Official Facebook):

The Crowd: beautiful and ultra posh pretentious 20-somethings for the most part, some local celebrities
The Why: you’re into commercial house music and want to “see and be seen”
The Music: Commercial house music, frequent famous DJ bookings usually with no cover charge.
The Dancing: The crowds are too much for any meaningful dancing, also the posh crowd just likes to stand around and stare at each other, never understood why.
The Cost: Ultra Expensive
Arrive before: I don’t frequent it too much but 2am at the latest sounds about right, expect to find a line at the door on really busy nights if you arrive late.

Freestyler (Official Website):

The Crowd: mainly teenagers and muscle-types looking for trouble; sexy girls dancing wherever there is space. I’ve never seen more fights get started in a nightclub.
The Why: I really don’t know, I make a point of not going to clubs that have a metal detector at the door and large populations of teenagers trying to prove something.
The Music: Commercial house music, sometimes famous DJ bookings
The Dancing: usually too crowded but there is the occasional dancing
The Cost: Ultra Expensive (360 for the cheapest beer and you never have change? Bitch please!)
Arrive before: 1-2am, line at the door on crowded nights if you arrive late.

20/44 (Official Facebook):

The Crowd: artists, hipsters, music lovers, relaxed open-minded folk
The Why: you want to meet cool non-pretentious people and have a conversation with them (if you can communicate over the loud music) or you want to listen to great music and prefer to not be ripped off in the process.
The Music: soul, funk, new wave, electro, experimental…
The Dancing: People dance!
The Cost: free before midnight, 200-300din cover afterwards, drinks are cheap
Arrive before: They sortof stop letting people in after 3am but its still possible to charm your way in, after 4am and definitely by 5am it becomes quite dead.

Jocker (Official Facebook):

The Crowd: varied, burnouts, people that don’t want to go home for the night
The Why: every other place is closed for the night but the party must go on, also there is a cool dog that parties with you. You can go for a swim in the river if you wish.
The Music: mix of a lot of things, Electro, Rock, Pop, more club-like before 4am and more lounge-like afterward.
The Dancing: More like stumbling around incoherently, but yes
The Cost: Cheap
Arrive before: before 4am mostly normal people, after 4am crazy party people that just wont go home, dies around 8-9am.

Povetarac (Official Facebook):

The Crowd: fairly normal people, rockers, some teenagers and usually lots of foreigners during tourist season
The Why: its an actual boat and you party on its deck! Always good fun. Try the Medovača (a honey liqueur type drink) that is absolutely delicious, then have another. By far my favorite club this season.
The Music: DJ mix of hip-hop, rock, pop, 80s, 90s, both foreign and domestic
The Dancing: Yes but limited due to the crowds
The Cost: Cheap-Medium
Arrive before: They stop letting people in at 3am and they are quite strict about this, arrive before 2am as there tends to be a large line to get in between 2-3am

Plastic Light (Official Facebook):

The Crowd: all sorts of people, this is the truly universal commercial electronica nightclub
The Why: You want to have a good time with decent people and not spend a fortune.
The Music: depends on the night, mostly commercial house/electronica music on weekends, Salsa on Wednesdays
The Dancing: Yes, for the most part
The Cost: Medium-Expensive
Arrive before: 2am but usually its no problem getting in all night as long as there are people inside, sometimes it can last till 5am and beyond

Sindikat (Official Facebook):

The Crowd: posh people but usually pleasant
The Why: You want to see something other than DJs spinning records, it looks nice outside and in.
The Music: on weekends mostly live cover bands of house music and Serbian rock/pop hits
The Dancing: Yes
The Cost: Medium-Expensive
Arrive before: 12-1am probably, after that they may want you to have reservations, could try charming your way in though (bring ladies with you for this)

Bitef Art Cafe Summer Stage (Official Facebook):

The Crowd: a variety of people, mostly 20+ and some 30+, a bit posh but not too bad
The Why: great open air location on Kalemegdan fortress
The Music: very good cover bands playing a mix of music both foreign and domestic
The Dancing: Yes
The Cost: Medium
Arrive before: 12-1am, this place tends to die out earlier in the night than most

KST (Official Facebook):

The Crowd: mostly teenagers, metal-heads, rock freaks, goths
The Why: You want to see where practically everyone in Serbia popped their nightclub cherry, this place has been around since the 1960s
The Music: depends on the night, weekends usually a mix of domestic and foreign rock, pop, 80s, 90s, also has gothic music nights
The Dancing: Jumping around and head banging
The Cost: Ultra cheap
Arrive before: 1am, expect a minimal cover charge on some nights

KC GRAD (Official Facebook):

The Crowd: hipster-ish young-ish crowd, usually cool, sometimes pretentious artsy types can be found
The Why: looks like an abandoned warehouse, very alternative and underground music and people
The Music: Many foreign and lesser known musicians and DJs, Drum n Bass, Electro, French Electro. Great music in general
The Dancing: more or less
The Cost: usually has cover which is less before 12am, more after but not expensive, drinks are very cheap
Arrive before: Closed July-August, otherwise 3am, they usually don’t allow in afterward, arrive by 1am to get a good dose of music.

Ada Ciganlija Clubbing:

There are many clubs on Belgrade’s “beach” called Ada Ciganlija, you can find all kinds of music and lots of live cover bands on weekends, I go perhaps once a year since it is far from the city and I’ve never had a good time over there… too many kids, annoying people and shitty music. For the money you’ll spend on a taxi to get there and back you’re much better off staying closer to downtown and drinking that money instead.

For the end:

No matter where you go, have a good time for yourself and the people you are with, if you are able to do this your surroundings don’t really matter. For the winter season I will compile a different guide once it is known what will be open this winter and their programme. But from this list the following are also open during the winter: KC Grad, KST, Bitef Art Cafe (different location), Povetarac (under the deck instead of above), 20/44 (inside the boat), Plastic (different location), most of the others have their winter equivalent also.

Thanks to Viktor for letting me guest post

If you are a tourist, and in Belgrade for the first time, it is to be expected that you will be taken to the Kalemegdan park. And, while in the Kalemegdan park, it is to be expected that your guide will take you to see the confluence of Dunav and Sava rivers, where one of the most recognizable Belgrade monuments is located—The Victor statue (Serbian: Pobednik). Today you will discover one secret feature of the monument, which I like to think it was a sort of an Easter egg planted there by the sculptor Ivan Mestrovic. Thanks to Eniac who showed me the Easter egg, you will now also be amazed by the discovery.

The normal way to approach the statue is from behind, because in order to approach it from the front, you would have to climb a steep wall.

At this point, some visitors (mostly female and gay) begin to giggle a bit because they notice the statue is naked.

This was the same reaction the statue caused back in the twenties when it was originally placed in the city center. Because of all the giggling, male city officials decided to move it to where it is located now.

While you finally reach the statue and look up to it from the front the giggling is replaced by sounds of slight disappointment. Being that the statue is so athletic, my guess is that the expectations of what is located in front are pretty high. Alas, it seems that nothing so arousing is in Victor’s view.

To all you disappointed perverts—fear not! This is where your unofficial Belgrade guide, Belgraded.com comes in:

It is all a matter of perspective.

Yes, yes, I know, what has been seen cannot be unseen. I’m sorry about that.

50th Guca trumpet/brass music festival starts on 13th and ends on 22nd of August 2010. This short guide will teach you all the things you need to know in order to survive the festival and stay mentally and physically fit afterwards, should you decide to attend.

Take ear plugs with you.
One day of extreme trumpeteering should be enough to make you go deaf, and possibly a bit mental. Should you however decide to be brave and go without the little ear-savers, you will have something to tell your grandchildren about, but you will have to lip-read in order to understand their reaction. (advice by @nikoladenic)

Find the person not wearing plugs in this picture // photo by nyqus

Take lots of paper bills in tens or twenties.
Good way to stop the annoying trumpeter (and possibly the only way) is to stuff paper dinar bills in his trumpet. It’s clearly better to do this with smaller dinar bills in order to have enough money to return home later and possibly pay for the medical treatment. Some dudes do it with euros, but the experienced Guca-goers know that the euro paper bills do not contain enough cellulose to stop the trumpet sound.

Make sure your legs are strong.
Seven days of hard gym work-out before Guca is a must if you intend to still be able to walk after the festival is over. It is not only walking through the drunken mob that will wear you out – it is dancing – on the streets, on the tables, under the tables and all that while juggling that glass of beer in one hand and glass of rakija in other.

It’s never too late to practice // photo by electrostatico

Prepare you stomach.
Serbian food is generally not hot, but very very strong. If you are one of those people who actually watch what they eat and drink, I suggest you cut that macrobiotic stuff several days before Guca. Going from diet cereal and light yogurt to sauerkraut and roast pig can be quite a shock for you organism. Also, for the vegetarians among you, watch out – that sauerkraut did touch the meat.

Practice your arms.
You will do some heavy lifting – beer for five of your friends, sauerkraut plates, lifting that girl from the mud, lifting a trumpeter to the tree branch, your drunken friend from a ditch, pulling yourself out of a ditch etc.

Practice your voice cords.
You will do a lot of shouting – calling rounds, drinking suspicious-looking rakija, shouting at trumpeters to “stop, please, for the love of god, stop”, shouting drunkenly at a security guy to “leave you the fuck alone, you like sleeping in the dirt”, singing horribly because nobody can hear you anyway over the brass band at the table next to yours, etc.

Experienced sleeper doesn’t care about circumstances // photo by richirik

Get used to sleeping under changed circumstances.
For best results, I suggest you start practicing sleeping in a tent outside your building, during the day, near a highway, with your CD player pumping “Vuvuzela hits 2010 – best of”. This way you will get used to sleeping conditions in Guca and get most out of your festival beauty sleep because just like during the World cup, that vuvuzela sound never stops during Guca. Also, you will probably be dreaming about running from a herd of elephants – there is no cure for this, get used to it.

Learn some Serbian.
Here are some useful phrases that should come in handy during the festival.
“Nemoj da mi sviras u uvo” Please don’t blow the trumpet directly into my ear.
“Koliko prstiju vidis?” How many fingers am I holding up?
“Taj kiseli kupus je bio na zemlji duze od deset sekundi, molim vas dajte mi drugi” That sauerkraut was on the ground for longer than ten seconds, can I please have a new one?
“Nisam znao da nije dozvoljeno dirati plesacice” I wasn’t aware that it’s forbidden to grope the dancers.
“Mogu li da pozajmim tvoje cepice za usi?” May I borrow your earplugs?
“Pusti me, ja volim da spavam u shtroci!” Leave me alone, I like sleeping in the dirt!

Don’t grope the dancers // photo by richirik

Do not go.
This method increases your chances of survival by hundred percent. (advice by @lazaralazara)

Always have some paper towels handy.
Blood, sweat and tears are just some of Guca’s trademarks besides dirt (and trumpet). You will have to burn most of your clothes after the festival anyway, but the civilized society expects from you to at least look as decent as possible for a short period of time. Hundreds of thousands of other sweaty visitors, wine and beer stains will make this task very difficult. Also, without paper towels, you will quite possibly be forced to eat sauerkraut with dirty hands.

That’s about it. Any more tips, share them in the comments. Also, by sharing this article with your Guca-going friends you are quite possibly saving somebody’s life and/or sanity.

Yugoslav wars lasted for 10 years, devastating the region and leaving hundred thousand people dead behind. After it was all over, former Yugoslav countries decided it was all a mistake and a big misunderstanding, and that they still need each other. At least that’s what this new regional lottery idea wants me to believe – National lotteries of Serbia, Croatia, Macedonia, Bosnia, Slovenia and Montenegro just announced that they agreed to make one big regional lottery where all the former enemy nations could try their luck with the same lottery machine.

So now, instead of investing your hard earned money into a local game of “loto” and expect a local winning, you have a chance to compete with those nations you once were in a war with and expect much bigger prize.

Suzana Mancic, pictured above in one of her sexy outfits, is the most famous of all lotto girls from former Yugoslavia.

Return to brotherhood and unity is of course nothing new – see for example Fashion TV’s decision to cover entire ex-Yu region, or the reality shows engaging several former republics or regional sport leagues. Invest some time to read this article from the Economist [pdf] or the full report on the subject by Tim Judah [pdf]. It’s only natural that economy drives us towards a new union, but I don’t like to miss the opportunity to point out just how stupid nationalism is.

Interesting facts: the biggest lottery winnings in Serbia ever was 3,9 million EUR, while the biggest prize in Croatia was a bit higher – six million EUR. What do you think, how big winning could the entire market of 23 million people achieve? To end the article, here’s a gratuitous shot of Suzana Mancic fighting the swine flu:

photo credit: Svet

This is interesting – one of Serbian political parties suggests introduction of extra taxes for authors of those works of media that fall under the category of “kitsch”. Let’s disregard for a moment which party it was that suggested this. We’ll also disregard that the person who most likely proposed this is no other than Sladjana Milosevic, Serbian pop star from the eighties. Don’t you find this idea of punishing “bad culture” fascinating? I know I do. Imagine for a moment – no reality shows, no turbo folk, no lousy TV soap operas. Heaven. Or hell—if you happen to practice the Church of Satan. The problem is, of course – there is no certain way to determine what is kitsch and what isn’t.

Is Sladjana Milosevic kitsch or simply hot (in a German-seventies-porn kind of way?)

What’s also interesting is that during the Tito years, there already was such a government censorship body that tried to determine what work of art is good for nation’s minds and what was crap. It is to be expected that some mistakes had to be made, and that’s why for example Beatles and Rolling Stones were also proclaimed kitsch, when it was obvious that not all of their songs were so bad. And now, the irony – communist works of art are considered to be kitschy.

I leave you to ponder upon this moral dilemma—to fight kitsch or not—with this dialog of wisdom between Beavis and Butt-head:

Beavis: Hey Butt-Head, how come like, some stuff sucks, but then like, some stuff is pretty cool? Heh heh…
Butt-Head: Uh… huh huh… well, huh huh… If nothing sucked, and like, everything was cool all the time, then it’s like, how would you know it was cool? Huh huh…
Beavis: Heh heh, I would know. Heh heh… you just said, everything would be cool. Heh heh…
Butt-Head: I mean like, if I wasn’t here. Huh huh…
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. Heh heh… that would be cool. Heh heh..
Butt-Head: No, butt-munch. I mean like, let’s say someone came up and just hit you upside the head.
Beavis: Yeah. Heh heh…
Butt-Head: Well, huh huh… that would be cool. Huh huh…
Beavis: No it wouldn’t, that would suck!
Butt-Head: Yeah. Uh! (smack)
Beavis: Ahhh! cut it out, butt-hole.
Butt-Head: Uh! (smack)
Beavis: Ahh! Heh heh…
Butt-Head: Huh huh… now that was cool! Huh huh…
Beavis: No it wasn’t, that sucked! Heh heh…
Butt-Head: Huh huh.. Yeah, but like, huh huh… ya know after it’s over, huh huh… doesn’t it like, feel pretty cool? Huh huh…
Beavis: Heh heh… oh yeah, yeah, heh heh, yeah, heh heh…
Butt-Head: See, it’s like, you need stuff that sucks to have stuff that’s cool. Huh huh…